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~*~ Thank you ~*~

~*~ June 15, 2019 ~*~

Such a simple way to express gratitude yet to me, it feels like an understatement. I gained a new follower tonight. For most it would seem like nothing but for me it was so much more. I joined WP in 2012 and it wasn’t until 2 years later that I jotted my first blog thoughts, then life happened as it tends to do and I forgot all about it. 

Seeing that I had a new follower I logged into my still active yet dormant blog and it was as though the air that I have been desperately trying to breathe had filled my once empty lungs. Not giving myself time to write meant I had given up a huge chunk of who I am, I love to write. So thank you anonymous follower for waking me up. With that being said I will give you the summarized update on my m@Dn3$$ that I call life.

~*~ June 30, 2014 ~*~ 

Just 5 short months after my initial entry I lost my mom. She was more than just my mom, she was my best friend in every sense of the true definition. I hadn’t realized then the impact she had on my life. I went to her for guidance and advice even on things that most would classify as mundane. On bad days I would call her multiple times just so I could hear the sound of her voice. I truly didn’t know how to live without her. She was only 55 and I wasn’t ready to let go yet.

After losing her I decided to do right by her and enroll in college, she always wanted to see me graduate college and walking across the stage for my diploma definitely was bitter sweet for me. It still feels like yesterday when I received the dreaded call and looking back at the few pictures I have of her hurt even more because I was always the one behind the camera.

~*~ June 10, 2016 ~*~

I was on top of the world, or so I thought. I was a college graduate, I just bought myself a brand new car and I was in a loving relationship for the first time ever. I thought, this is it, my life is finally starting. 

~*~ January 3, 2019 ~*~

Life works in mysterious ways and I am no stranger to the cruel hand of fate. It was this day that my long term boyfriend of almost 4 years decided, our life together wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I was devastated, even though I had felt it coming on for months prior, but I was hoping we would get through it. It still didn’t stop my heart from feeling as though it was disintegrating, as though a ‘thanos snap’ was done. I know at my age and after all I have experienced in life this seems very infantile and I should know better. But when your heart falls into that dangerous place of thinking someone is “the one” only to find out they aren’t, it still hurts…

Life begins at 40

There is a cheesy movie that was made in the early nineties that is one of my favorites. The lead character is quoted as saying “life begins at 40” and for some reason it always stuck with me over the decades. Seeing as how I am just a few years shy of that I am using it as motivation to finally create the life I’ve always wanted, even if I am single. 

So here’s to all of you out there and to myself as well. Here’s to hoping one day we finally have the life we all deserve (if we’re not there yet). 

Until my next entry, cheers

~*~ About ~*~

Hello world, it’s nice to meet you. I am just one person in the vast 7+ billion world population. I don’t stand out in any way. I’m not an author nor a professional blogger by any stretch of the imagination. I’m just sitting in a house, logged on to the internet and I am finally going to stand on my virtual soapbox and take a peek at the word press world. So who am I exactly? Well there are a thousand different ways to answer that, because each person is unique in their own way. For starters my member name is countrybunny but you may call me CB for short. Why the anonymity you ask, well I’m not ready at the moment to reveal myself to the world but in time that might change. I am real, my emotions are like a hurricane and my mind is like a labyrinth. This is my M@dN3$$ welcome to it.

~*~ January 02, 2012 ~*~

This is the first day I officially joined word press. I so desperately had so much to say but didn’t know who to trust or where to turn. I had felt all alone and insignificant in this enormous world. I wanted to log on here and vent everything and anything that was weighing on my mind but chose not to. You see, even though it was 2012, my emotions were still raw from the unraveling of my marriage in 2010. I was bitter at my ex, bitter at the world and angry with myself for letting my unhappiness drag on for so many years. I would be angry at the naivety of my younger years. You know the years where you felt the world was yours for the taking and you could be anything you set your mind to. Instead of spending my younger years conquering the world, I married, had a child and compulsively moved more often than most army wives, due to my ex husbands mismanagement of finances…. Fast forward 10 years and I am 28, hopelessly unhappy and separating from my husband of seven years. I (for the life of me) could not get a grip on my life and could not move past the hurt of my ex husband’s infidelity.

~*~ February 14, 2014 ~*~

       While a good portion of the world was out celebrating their love I found myself yet again boarding an evening bus bound for home. This will be the 18th time in 15 years that I have moved. Most people crave spontaneity to spice up their mundane and routine riddled lives. Coming from someone who hasn’t had a stable life since the age of 17, you don’t know how lucky you are. My life has never been perfect, not by a long shot, but for one fleeting moment it seemed things were finally starting to look up for me. That was until Dec. 2013 when my mom’s mysterious health problems finally had an official diagnosis…. Stage 4 lung cancer, I left two days later to see her and within a month I was on my way back home.

~*~ And now? ~*~

Now is a tiny three letter word that is powerful enough to cause the equivalent of a homemade bomb on my life. I’ve had countless times in my life where I come home from work to the sight of packing boxes and my ex husband saying we need to leave now. I even woke up one time when I was living with roommates only to be told I had to leave now, meaning pack what I can carry and start walking down the street. Trying to schlep my belongings down the street as the realization of my being homeless started to sink in, I knew my life had hit rock bottom. I made temporary arrangements and left for home a week later. Before, trying to get a handle on my life was like trying to grip sand, basically impossible. These days I am learning to hold out my hand and let life’s events unfold naturally, no use in fighting it sometimes.